Other things I have done wrong...

Soo the quilt I was making was supposed to be a classic "fence rail" design.  Thus, I sewed all the fabrics into strips and arranged them in such a way that I thought I would achieve the nice zig-zag design I was aiming for.  Once I had sewed most of the major pieces together, however, and tried to fit them into the desired pattern the whole thing ended up looking more like a robot highway than the fence rail cuteness.  I have no idea, to this day (nor does my seamstress friend Jacqueline who left me to my own devices during this special session of sewing) as to what in god's name I did wrong.  There are no excuses for complete and total incompetence, but there it is.  Oh, and the quilt has turned out much smaller than I had calculated....and did I mention it looks like a robot highway?  I think some time will need to be taken to salvage the situation...or some serious seam ripping will hae to occur.  Oh the joy of the handmade gifts...blood, sweat, tears, more tears and more blood....

A New Quilt...A New Respect for Murphy's Law...

So we, the undomesticated women, have frequently discussed how Murphy's Law (the law of the universe which states that: Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong at the worst possible time) is so frequently put into play whilst sewing.  I mean when I sew that seem, there is a 50/50 chance that I will sew it correctly, right?  NO if there is some way for me to mess something up I ALWAYS WILL.  I mean we are nearing 100% which is an amazing statistic.  For example, working on this new quilt for my friends Mike and Emily, I sewed two sets of strips of cloth together and then I was going to sew these two sets of two together to form a big strip of four.  SO this meant that I repeatedly sewed one strip with its seems facing out and one strip with its seems facing in, AND THEN when repairing them, switched them up so that they were in the wrong order....therefore re-sewing several times.  Jacqueline, my sewing guru and amazing friend finally had to start helping me towards the end as despair began to set in.  And this is all before the "complex" sewing begins...Ha.

Act 1, Scene 1

Ok, here it is.....Act 1, Scene 1 of .....well, I don't have an official title yet. The working title is (perhaps) The Triumphant, Angry Whimper of a Feathered King.

FYI. A "beat" is a natural break or pause in the dialogue (the term is used  in actual scripts-- how technical am I?!) "Rise" signifies the beginning of the scene (the literal rise of the curtain).

I haven't written descriptions of the characters yet, but they are in their early 30's. So, try to use your imagination. Any ideas?
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ACT 1, SCENE 1

Rise. [Kitchen in a suburban house. A few askew items suggest the owners are relatively on top of chores, but are`not obsessively clean. The decorations indicate a modern-retro look. A few pieces of framed tattoo art hang on the wall. A kitchen table sits just off center in the room. A pool of liquid lies beneath the table.]

[Enter Chloe from stage right. She walks into the kitchen and then sees the liquid on the floor. She looks exasperated and grabs a dish towel to wipe it up. She kneels down to wipe while mumbling profanities under her breath.]

[Enter Dan from stage right carrying a newspaper. He stops short, almost bumping into Chloe.]

Dan: Wha- what are you doing down there? Another mess?

Chloe: Yes, of course! I just don’t know what to do about him.

Dan: Unbelievable. (sits down at the table while Chloe continues to wipe the floor with the cloth). He’s all yours, that one.

Chloe: Listen! It wasn’t just me that wanted a dog.

Dan: I don’t think you could call that a dog. A deer sexed a gerbil. That’s what happened there. I wanted something I could run with.

Chloe: You don’t run.

Dan: It’s amazing how much urine comes out of him considering how small he is.

Chloe: Stop it. It’s not like you’re on the floor cleaning this up.

Dan: Yeah, well, it often is! He hosed down the laundry bin two days ago. Who redid an entire load of clean laundry?

Chloe: You didn’t have to rewash everything. He just hit part of it.

Dan: I didn’t want to sniff each sock to see if there was piss on it. That’s even worse that redoing the laundry, plus I had to wipe down the outside—

Chloe: Stop! Fine. I don’t want to talk about it.

Dan: That’s the deal with male dogs. All they want to do is spray everywhere. That’s what they do. Heck, that’s what I’d do. Nothing sends a clearer message than urine. It says, ”Yeah! That’s mine! I’m a dude! I did that! My penis still works! I don’t have balls, but I can spray something else!” It’s like being omnipotent but with urine. What would that be? Omni-uranous? Hehe. Omni-urinous? The all-pissing. Get it?

(beat. Chloe rolls her eyes and goes back to wiping the floor)

 Don’t know why he needs to piss on clean laundry, though—what is he covering, fabric softener? That’s a threat to his manhood? You gotta stake a claim to that?

(beat)

‘Specially if you get a stray. You need to cut off their nuts when they’re young, before they realize their weapon of self-expression.

Chloe: We rescued him. We did a good thing.

Dan: Rescue? Um, sort of. I’m sure someone would have adopted him. He’s cute.

(beat)

Pees like an elephant, but he’s cute.

Chloe: I said stop!

Dan: OK, I gotta go to work before he lifts his leg on me while I’m sitting here. Where’s that little piss-ant anyways? He’s almost always under the table for breakfast.

Chloe: He’s probably in his crate.

Dan: He’s probably pissing in our closet--

Chloe: Stop!

Dan: Ok, that’s the last one. I’m going—I’m gone. (kisses Chloe) See you later, babe.

[Chloe stands up, throws the washcloth in the sink, and sighs].

End scene.

A playwright? I play, not...

I am considering a foray into writing a play. I've had this story in my head for the longest time, and I would like to tell it. Originally, I wanted to present it as an illustrated novel. But, I am not good at drawing and the thought of doing that much work on Adobe Illustrator made me cringe. So, I thought that perhaps I could adapt it into a play. To me, a play is similar to an illustrator novel because it is "acted" out through the illustrations. I could see the scenes in my head-- either as comic panels, or with real people or animals on a stage. Same difference, right?

As I thought more about writing the plot, though, a comic would allow me to tell the story from the beginning-- in temporal sequence. A play would require me to deconstruct the story by telling it out of temporal order. I don't know how or why I arrived at this conclusion, but I think that it is true. A play would be boring if told like a timeline. So, I am adapting my original story....perhaps this adaptation will change the entire plot? I do not know. If so, I guess I will have to make an illustrated novel as well. Two renditions of the same story. Or, two entirely different stories. Perhaps the medium alters everything.

I just wrote a draft of the first scene of the play. It's already quite different than I imagined. Instead of going directly for the meat of what I want, I'm circling it. I honestly don't know where it will lead.

Current Projects Continued...A Quilt That Will Probably Make Me Cry

Sooo...I like to make quilts for my friend's weddings.  They may hate these objects and bury them in their backyards, but I do like to give them something handmade that has probably been bled on by me to show them my love and affection.  I'm sure they are wondering if I am too technologically backward to figure out how to navigate to the registry...the answer probably being YES.

Anyhow, two of my very close friends are getting married soon and one of them being Jewish has allowed me to make the Chuppah for her wedding.  This is a lot of pressure because this quilt now has to look good enough to not ruin an otherwise gorgeous wedding ceremony.  YIKES.  Above is the pattern and the fabrics.  I fear this quilt.  Anything that deviates from squares and straight, square lines (like the infamous triangle quilt) are somewhat terrifying.  I will leave this to be continued also...the others (see "Quilts of Doom")  will have to be completed first.

Things That Can Be Used as Pasta Sauce (other than pasta sauce....) Part I

The pasta's boiling and you reach for a jar of sauce in your cupboard.....easy dinner, right? It would be easy if you actually HAD pasta sauce.....What do you do? The pasta's already boiling. Let's assume that you're cheap and lazy (there's no way you would throw out the half-boiled pasta and/or think of another dinner option). You must improvise!

Let's head back to the cupboard and look at the pile of cans that sit in the corner. Cans are trusty friends that are always there for you in a pinch. You toss them into your grocery cart and then they sit on your shelf for years. The cream of mushroom soup that sounded so good in the store is now nearing its 5-year expiration date.

I digress.

In this edition of "Things that can be used as pasta sauce (other than pasta sauce)" a can of tomato paste and a can of El Pato Salsa de Chile Fresco come to the rescue! Never heard of El Pato? Believe me, you MUST buy at least a few cans. They are the lazy girl's super sauce! Here's a description.


The recipe: Pour a little olive oil in a skillet. Saute garlic and peppers (or whatever else you can find in your fridge/freezer). Dump equal parts of tomato paste and El Pato into the skillet. Stir. Add water to make a less viscous sauce.

Ta Da! Delicious and spicy sauce!

I hope that you've enjoyed this first installment of "Things that can be used as pasta sauce (other than pasta sauce)." More episodes are sure to come.....

Alice's Current Projects...Quilts of Doom

The Infamous "Triangle Quilt" in Completed Form

So I am currently half-way through creating two quilts.  Both are entirely of my own design.  One is a creation for a chef friend of mine.  The cloth I'm using has onions, peppers, tiny forks and knives and cucumbers on it.  Unfortunately the whole ensemble has actually turned out to be pretty hideous.  I mean it might actually cause seizures.  The colors are so bright and the patterns so absurdly enormous and conflicting that it actually makes me feel a little bit ill to look at it too long.  Hopefully it can be used in a dark space where people won't be eating.  The second quilt I'm working on began as an attempt at a red, white and blue patriotic thing and now has become strangely French.  There is toile element that has kind of consumed this quilt...slightly terrifying looking little boys and sheep and such.  It still has potential to succeed but I'm not holding my breath, particularly because this is my second attempt at doing something involving the terrifying TRIANGLE and that's not really turning out so well...to be continued......